The last question is common and revealing. If sexual sin has been a big part of our life for years, we often fear that we won’t be able to make a lasting change. This is especially true if we’ve made earlier attempts to clean up our act and failed. We begin to identify ourselves as “sexual sinners” or “perverts” or “prodigal sons.”
The more we struggle with sexual sin, the more it defines our self-image, and a self-image is a difficult thing to escape. It serves as a type of thermostat for our behaviors. The thermostat in your house is set to a particular temperature that you find comfortable. If the house gets too warm, the thermostat signals the air conditioner to cool it down. If the house gets too cold, the thermostat signals the furnace to warm it up.
Your self-image thermostat is set to a group of beliefs that define who you are to you. When you act in way that disagrees with your self-image (whether you are acting worse or better), you get uncomfortable, and your self-image thermostat signals that a change in behavior is in order. If you are acting worse than your self-image, you will feel bad about yourself and often make changes to improve your behaviors. If you are acting better than your self-image, you are likely to get nervous and commit acts of self-sabotage. In either case, your behavior gets in line with your view of yourself, and comfort is restored.
Have you ever known someone whose life was a parade of setbacks and tragic events? Things never seem to go their way. Just when they had turned a corner, “BAM!” – they get hit with the next series of unfortunate events. Have you ever wondered if they might be bringing some of the trouble on themselves? Even if most of their circumstances are out of their control, it’s likely that they had some choices to make along the way, and bad choices on a consistent basis can be an indicator of a low self-image.
Those who carry a self-image that says, “I’m a failure” or “I’m a bad person” create a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy for themselves. They behave in ways that agree with their self-image and turn themselves into prophets: “I knew I would mess up.” “There I go again, letting everyone down.” “I just can’t help myself.” When they act differently than their self-image, they discount it: “That was a fluke!” “That was so unlike me.”
This is a process called selective perception. When we create a “story” about ourselves (another way of describing our self-image), we only accept data that agrees with our story. When the data disagrees, we find a way to explain it away. If we get too much data that disagrees, we have a choice to make: accept the data and redefine our self-image or reboot the system by screwing up. The former requires much more courage and effort than the latter.
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May 18, 2008 at 5:08 pm
[...] of our self-image, and a self-image may be one of the most powerful things on earth. It acts like a thermostat for our [...]