In addition to these gate-keeping precautions, I recommend that you talk honestly with your kids (your boys, in particular) about your struggles. My thirteen-year-old and I have had many discussions about how bad XXX videos are. One day, as we passed a XXX theatre, he said from the backseat, “Dad, you would never watch one of those movies, would you?”
I could have lied. Maybe he was too young to really understand. Maybe I should save this confession for later. If I was honest, it might undermine his view of all the admonitions I gave him about living purely. But I realized that it was important for him to know. It was important that we have a relationship of integrity where he knew that Dad had real struggles, which sometimes required him to repent and recommit to walking purely. So, I said to him:
“Son, I’ve seen those movies before. In fact, I’ve seen more of them than I could count or would really want to tell you. I’m ashamed that I’ve watched them, and I’m committed to never watching them again, but the truth is that I’ve made lots of mistakes in this area. It’s because of my mistakes and because I know how truly evil those movies are that I want to protect you from them. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made.”
I’m not sure what he thought about my confession. He never said. He just absorbed the information. Dad’s not perfect. Dad makes mistakes. Dad’s done some pretty bad stuff.
If you are afraid of letting your son see your dark side, you may not be able to save him from his own. Your secret life is the Enemy’s most powerful stronghold in your life. Confess it, and your vulnerability leaves him nothing to hold against you. There is no danger that your son will one day stumble across your journal and be shocked at what he sees there. He’ll know that his dad is a real man with real struggles, and maybe that is more to be admired than the superhero our son’s thought we were when they were knee-high.
It’s a more mature admiration that won’t fall victim to disillusionment. It sees us, warts and all, and recognizes that we are warriors in a battle with a powerful Enemy. Sometimes the Enemy wins a battle, and he may have even carried on a long campaign against us, but we aren’t done fighting yet. We know that our Savior has won the war and that all we have to do is keep getting up every time the Enemy knocks us down.
Be honest with your kids in age-appropriate amounts of disclosure. It will strengthen them for the fight.
